Heat Stroke – Miami signs Shane Battier over Lakers Shannon Brown

Lakers fans, it looks like the Heat got their guy. Veteran swingman Shane Battier announced today via his Twitter account that he will sign with the Miami Heat on the first day of free agency.

Low Down Dirty Shane

This is a huge get for Miami as Battier is regarded as one of the best teammates in all of the NBA. He’s unselfish, a scrappy defender, has tons of playoff experience and is a proven winner. Shane also has a sweet stroke from 3-point range, something the Heat were hoping to get out of forward Mike Miller last season. After reaching the 2011 NBA Finals last season, Miami and the “Big 3″ should be poised to make another deep run in the Eastern Conference playoffs with the addition of sharp-shooting Battier.

What can Brown do for you Lakers fans?

Brown Recluse

The good news for Lakers fans is that Battier’s signing has eliminated the Heat from guard Shannon Brown’s wish list. That now leaves the Lakers, New Orleans and Boston as the most likely landing spots for Brown according to rumors and reports. Re-signing Brown is far from a given for the Lakers, however.

LakerMagic puts the chances of the Lakers re-signing Shannon at less than 50% due to his desire to get more minutes or even start, something he’ll only be guaranteed on another team. Stay tuned to see which team Brown will be reeling off highlight dunks for this season.

“Haves vs. Cav-Nots”

The Cavs will get beat, coming for the Champs’ spot
Cleveland got no rings unlike the Lake Show or Shamrocks
LeBron used to bitch a lot, asking for the damn rock
A battle of the Cavs, haves versus the have-nots

KD or CP3 for MVP? Maybe Chris Bosh?
Over Black Mamba?  You got your stars criss-crossed
Cuz every time they shoot in the 4th you know it’s missed shots
You want to get a ring?  You better call Rick Fox

LeBron and former Laker Adam Morrison have one thing in common: crying on the hardwood

Bring it in the paint versus ‘Drew?  Get your shit tossed…
Or get a “T”, you’re thrown out the game, like a pit boss
You thought you had a def jam, but you ain’t no  Rick Ross
So suck it up Cavs fans and get ready for a big loss

“The Decision” was disaster, Cleveland’s still steaming
NBA Championship?  The Heat are still dreaming
11 rings deep, even Phil’s toe is gleaming
The Cavs and the Heat ain’t the only teams we’re creaming

Shaq Up in Beantown – Ex-Laker Shaquille O’Neal opts for Celtics

It was only a matter of time before the Big Aristotle became “the Big Shaqrecaun”. Okay maybe that nickname needs work, but the point is Shaquille O’Neal is officially part of the Boston Celtics and it feels weird and kind of creepy if you’re a Lakers fan. Before signing, Shaq had failed to land mid-level exception offers from Atlanta, Dallas and even teams in Europe (can you say desperate?). After the Cavs said thanks but no thanks to re-signing the Big Fella, Shaq realized there weren’t many options left.

Boston Market

Enter Boston, a team in the market for size after the starting center Kendrick Perkins severely injured his knee in the 2010 NBA Finals. Shaq reportedly signed a 2-year deal for the veteran’s minimum totaling $2.8 million. Ouch, major hit to the ego (not to mention the pocket book). The Celtics have now reloaded their frontcourt with the addition of Shaq and Jermaine O’Neal and should give the Miami Heat fits down low come playoff time. NBA fans, are you feeling a Lakers-Heat or Lakers-Celtics 2011 NBA Finals?

Shaq hopes to be a 4 ring clover for the Celtics this year in Beantown. Speaking of beans, that's still 1 ring behind Kobe Bean Bryant.

Shaq Bench Press

The Celtics pressed Shaq to come off the bench before they agreed to sign him. All indications point to Shaq being okay with this, but you just know he’s licking his chops waiting for starting center Jermaine O’Neal to get injured. Yes, a literal Shaq attack! Which brings me to my next point: Boston now has two O’Neals. There are only two O’Neals in the entire NBA and they both play for Boston now. This means Shaq’s jersey is going to have S. O’Neal on the back rather than just O’Neal. Another hit to the ego!

O’Neals are Ol’ Neals

Regardless of who gets more minutes, both O’Neals are old and injury-prone and neither is explosive anymore. Jermaine will begin the year as the starter after averaging 13.6 points and 6.9 rebounds per game last season in Miami. The Celtics can expect similar or slightly better numbers from him while knowing he can get injured at any moment. No stranger to injury himself, the other other O’Neal (that’s right Shaq has fallen that far) will have to prove to the Boston faithful that he still has something left in the tank.

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